Tough love, tough finances and saying “no” is something that I have had to do with a close loved one of mine. This close loved one is my one and only daughter.
A lot of people have asked me if my daughter is really on top of her finances. You would think she would be having a mother like me. Because of how difficult it was getting out of debt and raising a child as a single mother, I wanted a debt free life for both of us.
When my daughter was in her second year of college, I added her to my credit card. This was so that she could get the benefit of having a great credit score. I also told her to use the card for gas and emergencies. A few months after adding her to my account, she decided to get her own credit card and within two months, she ran her credit card up to the limit.
As a Christmas present, I decided to pay the card down only to have her run the card up again. A couple of years later, she charged $1,400 on one of my credit cards at the worst possible time. Because of her failure to listen to me I have decided to institute a “tough love, tough finances and saying no” approach to life with her.
Tough Love, Tough Finances: “Would You Rather Be 21 Crying About Money or 41 Crying About Money?
My daughter was talking to me about the stress of her finances. She is in over her head in debt. Her part-time jobs don’t support the debt ridden life that she created for herself. All her life I have told her about staying out of debt and staying within her budget. Me being the parent that I am and also “The Frugal Biddy” I have always emphasized saving over spending. Always.
I want her to grow up to be a financially responsible adult. Living a debt-free life should be her goal.
I should have instituted the tough love, tough finances and saying no approach when she ran her credit card up to it’s limit. In my mind, I thought I was helping her out by paying the balance off, and I believed she had learned her lesson.
I was wrong.
Maybe if I had let her climb her way out of her debt back then she wouldn’t be in this situation. However, I’d rather her cry to me at the age of 21 rather than age 41.
Tough Love, Tough Finances: Saying “No” and Meaning It
One of the hardest things for me to do is to say “no” when I see that someone is in need of help. For some reason, I find myself in financial rescue mode to a lot of people. However, when it comes to my daughter, if I don’t say no and mean it, I am going to have a 30 or 40 year old still living with me when I am in golden years.
Being in your 20’s to me means you should be living your best life. Color me stupid, but being a young adult, before bills and kids, is an amazing experience. As a recent college graduate, I loved living in my own apartment, paying my own little bills, and just being my own mini adult. This is the life I desire for her.
I would LOVE for my daughter to have no debt and decide, at sometime, to move to a foreign country for a year. But that can’t be done if you have debt.
My desire for her is for her not to feel like she has to stay in a specific job. I felt trapped in my six figure job. My primary reason for staying as long as I did was so I could continue paying for her education. It was mentally, physically and emotionally tough waking up every morning thinking of going there day after day after day. If it wasn’t for my desire to pay for her college education so she wouldn’t have any debt, I would have left sooner.
There are too many people who are trapped in jobs they hate because of the bills they have, and I wanted something different for my daughter. The only way she is going to get to the place I need and want her to be is for me to practice tough love, tough finances.
Tough Love, Tough Finances and Saying “No”: We Can Only Go Up From Here
During a recent long discussion with my daughter about money, I felt like I had a breakthrough. She seemed to get that I couldn’t and wouldn’t come to her rescue. The best thing for her to do is to work through this situation and get out of debt. By next year this time, a good portion of one debt will be completely paid off and she will be finished with a job training course she decided to partake in so she could make more money while going to college. But my advice is still the same as it always is for her:
Don’t use a credit card.
Don’t take on debt.
Save at least $50 a month ($600 a year) into your savings account.
In essence, save money, stay out of debt, and be happy.
Tough Love, Tough Finances: Don’t Give Up!!!
This may be rock bottom for her because this is a travesty at the age of 21. To be honest, I hope this is for her. My hope is that she looks back on this part of her life and thinks to herself “I never want to be in this place again.” If she learns this lesson NOW and not later, she will have a very prosperous (and debt free) life.
If you are a parent who is in this situation, there is hope. We have to let them sink or swim.
Here are some additional resources if you have adult children and you need to each them about money:
How To Help Adult Children Become Financially Independent